I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
