that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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