Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
