He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
