i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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