Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
