I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
