turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
