dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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