Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
