Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
