There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
