So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize