i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
