Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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