2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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