i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
