Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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