three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
