Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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