By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
