If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
