I will die if light touches me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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