I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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