dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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