I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
