how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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