I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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