I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
