i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
