just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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