I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize