My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
