it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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