Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
