I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
