Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize