Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
