sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I believe in your delicious
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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