I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
