i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
