after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
