my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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