you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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