***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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