And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
