I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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