the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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