Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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