nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
