I just pynch a tree in the face
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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