What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
