I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
