Swine flu. Run for my life!
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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