hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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