I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
