All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
